


The Air Was Clear, But All I Could See From The Mountain Was You, You, You

by printfogey



Category: Gintama
Genre: Canon Non-Binary Character, Don't copy to another site, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 03:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17973896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/printfogey/pseuds/printfogey
Summary: Otae and Kyubei go on a hike through the mountains, and feelings come tumbling out. Set after the Dekobokko arc (the genderswitch arc) but before the Shogun Assassination Arc. Otae/Kyubei.





	The Air Was Clear, But All I Could See From The Mountain Was You, You, You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PluralForce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PluralForce/gifts).



> A late treat in the Chocolate Box Exchange, inspired by PluralForce's wonderful request letter. As the summary notes, this is set after the genderswitch arc (a.k.a Dekobokko Arc) and before the Shogun Assassination Arc. Many thanks to my beta [prpl_pen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prpl_pen/) for her help. Any remaining errors are my responsibility only. Constructive criticism is welcome, nitpicks included.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: The characters of Gintama are owned by their creator Hideaki Sorachi. They are used here without permission for entertainment only. This fic may not be used for profit in any way, and should not be posted elsewhere without the writer's approval.

“Why do angry bears always pop up like that, so suddenly? Do they get paid to do it?” wondered Kyūbei aloud, sheathing her sword as she stood on top of the fallen bear.

“He might have been on a training arc of his own,” said Tae, climbing down from the rock where she’d leaped for a moment. Kyūbei knew she was strong enough that if it really came down to it, she would have been able to beat up the bear. But she had been startled, and she shouldn’t have to do that kind of thing. Not when Kyūbei was there.

“Oh, so that’s it?” Kyūbei jumped down. “Then I’m glad I only hit it with the flat side. Once it comes to, it will be able to learn from its defeat and grow stronger!”

“Absolutely.” Tae-chan picked up her own pack and handed Kyūbei hers. “And then it will be able to attack more young warriors posing as mountain hikers, who in turn can use that confrontation as valuable exercise. It’s all a circle of effort and determination!” She pumped her fist for emphasis.

“I see! That makes so much sense…” 

A training arc was perhaps too lofty a word to use for Kyūbei’s past week, but it had indeed been spent up in the mountains, taking advantage of the fine autumn weather away from Edo to train with the other warriors of the Yagyu clan. Kyūbei wasn’t too sure if it had been all that successful, but the ache in her muscles could certainly tell her she’d been giving it her all. Nothing about it had felt as good as picking Tae-chan up at the bus stop this morning and setting out with her on this mountain hike, however. 

Tae was only up in the mountains for today, as it was Sunday. But she had been travelling since very early in the morning yet looked bright-eyed and enthusiastic in her green and blue hiking gear. (Kyūbei had picked a dark blue outfit with red and white accents.) Of course, Tae looked beautiful no matter what she was wearing: everyday kimono, summer festival yukata, bathing suit or ninja get-up or fancy cosplay; whether she was holding a champagne glass or a naginata. In fact perhaps for Kyūbei it would be best to say that her favourite outfit of Tae’s was whichever she was wearing this moment. But this kind of practical outfit with jacket and trousers and boots that could walk a long way had its own particular appeal, signalling her gung-ho nature and excellent physical health.

The plan was to hike through the mountain paths and surrounding forests, picnic in the early afternoon at some good spot, and hopefully reach the next town over with the railway station that would take them both back to Edo in the evening, unless Kyūbei decided to be dutiful after all and return to the clan compound instead. They were going to hike rather than do actual mountaineer climbing, but they’d both individually, it turned out, packed ropes, harnesses, and nuts just in case. 

So far, there had been no need to use such items. They’d walked up hills and mountainsides and had a picnic high up on a grass-covered ledge. Despite the mountain breeze, they’d worked up a sweat and so preferred to sit in the shade. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. Tae closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh air, sighing from pleasure. Kyūbei sat spellbound and gazed at her, picturing little petals and leaves falling on her hands, on her face; picturing bending forward to kiss her… 

She came back to herself abruptly and turned to look at the landscape. Of course not. This was enough. That Tae-chan, despite everything, despite the sad brief affair of the engagement, and knowing full well how Kyūbei felt about her – that she still regarded Kyūbei as a close friend, allowing Kyūbei to fight for her as her knight (self-appointed, but not, she fancied, truly denied) – those things were all more than could have been hoped for, and wanting something else was greedy and unwise. Reaching for something more would, no doubt, be disastrous. Kyūbei put her hands in her lap and looked down at the small mountain flowers in the grass between her feet. 

After that, they went up to wander on, aiming for the highest peak yet. On the wooded slopes, they had been attacked by that pesky angry bear who would need to level up some before he could provide a good challenge. 

“Did you try any new training methods this week?” asked Tae. 

“Ah… yes.” Kyūbei coughed. “Papa had ordered a training device from an Amanto company that was supposed to be difficult but productive if you kept at it. A kind of android who studies your moves, then copies them but ups the speed, so you need to improve very quickly to defeat it.”

“Oh. Copy powers are always popular,” nodded Tae-chan, as she moved up a steep slope, a deep crevice in their path. “Sharingan and all that. Haiyah!!” she yelled out, taking off her pack and throwing it ahead of her before leaping across the gap, a second before Kyūbei could tell her there was actually an easy way around.

“Yes, but… it didn’t truly work as advertised,” she said instead, leaping over the crevice herself while still carrying her heavy pack. “It was more like a kind of robot parrot-monkey. Picking up random moves and phrases from the ones it studied, even things that had nothing to do with fighting. Just a nuisance, not proper training.” Kyūbei frowned remembering how much running around they’d all done trying to turn the damn thing off. Those devices really were fast, if nothing else. At least they had the exercise to show for it. She’d rarely seen Tōjō that red in the face.

“Darn those unreliable online companies!” fumed Tae sympathetically. “Ah… I wonder if this path is the best one up?” She started to climb the narrow path, but paused to cast a look behind her.

Kyūbei nodded. “It’s fine, just be careful. I’ll be right behind you.” 

They climbed up in silence for a minute or two. A few birds flew close, cawing crows and silent gliding raptors. All other noises were far away, except the rush of the high wind and the small sounds the two of them made when they climbed. 

They were by no means completely isolated from civilisation here: they could see several villages and a small town in the distance, railway tracks, fields and roads; even an airship floating close to the horizon. But those were so small and far away. The forest at the foot of the mountain was much closer, and so was the neighbour mountain to the north, on their left side.  
The mountain path grew more level, but even narrower.

“I hope we don’t meet anyone trying to get down this same way right now,” said Tae brightly. “It would be rude not to step aside, but there’s nowhere to step aside to…”

“If we meet anyone like that, I’ll leap in front of you and cut him down!” exclaimed Kyūbei. “Only a real lout wouldn’t back away in front of a lady like Tae-chan!”

Tae-chan giggled. “Now, now, Kyū-chan, you mustn’t go that far! I’m sure we could find a less murderous solution.” But she didn’t look all that displeased. A moment later, she suggested, “We could just toss them back up the mountain the way they came from.”

“I suppose that would do it, too,” said Kyūbei reluctantly. “Oh. We’re getting very close to the peak now.”

Tae craned her head. “Oh, so we head up that serpentine path for the last stretch? That other way to the right looks a bit too much- whoah!!!” She slipped on a mossy spot and swayed close to the edge: leaping forward, Kyūbei grabbed her hand, then dragged her back to safer ground.

“Thank you, Kyū-chan…” said Tae breathlessly, her hair all messed up and her eyes wide; now that she was safe, Kyūbei blushed and couldn’t look away from her. Yet in the next moment, Tae-chan reddened as well and pulled her hand away. She coughed and looked down at the ground. “I, er… I’ll go on more carefully,” she mumbled. 

”G-good,” said Kyūbei uncertainly. This time she took the lead for the final stretch to the peak. Her mind was buzzing. She knew she shouldn’t read too much into things – maybe Tae-chan had only been red from the exertion? – but she couldn’t help thinking that the last time the girl had reacted like that, it had been when Kyūbei had temporarily had an all-male body due to the Dekobokko cult. _Why now? What am I doing right?_ she asked herself. Was she being particularly manly right now? She stole a look down herself, trying to take particular note to how she walked. Maybe the past week’s training had helped?

Or maybe it was the hiking wear? Perhaps Tae-chan had a weakness for this sort of outfit. ”If so, I am never taking these off again,” she murmured to herself, clenching her fist. Then again, maybe Tae had only felt vulnerable due to nearly falling down the mountain. True, Kyūbei had come to her rescue at other times without that kind of reaction; but now they were alone, and not on familiar ground… Did the high altitude contribute in some way?

“We’re here!” exclaimed Tae behind her, and Kyūbei looked up from her reverie to see that they were, in fact, at the top of the mountain, marked by a kiln of stones. Tae brought out a pair of binoculars from the pack and they stood together to look from their map to the view stretching out before them, discussing landmarks and what they were looking at, and which would be the best route down. Tae took out her phone to take photos, and Kyūbei dutifully dug out her analogue camera as well. 

“Let’s go find a place that’s more out of the wind,” Tae finally suggested after having taken or directed what seemed like a hundred photos. She sounded a little breathless. 

“Yes,” agreed Kyūbei. “We can rest before starting the descent.” Kyūbei didn’t think she needed any rest, but Tae-chan might. Her red cheeks and bright eyes were extremely pretty, but it might mean she should calm down some, thought Kyūbei. 

She hadn’t memorised any good leeward corners that high up the mountain, but after a few minutes of searching Tae found one, backs to a high rock shelf while a crooked pine offered some shelter. They sat down and Kyūbei brought out her last sandwich and shared it with Tae. 

They munched in silence, first. Tae gave a content sigh and moved closer to Kyūbei. 

“You know,” she said, “I was glad to keep my own body at the time, but now that all that Dekobokko nonsense is over… I almost feel a little cheated! Everyone else got to know what they looked like as a girl or a boy. I wonder what kind of man I’d have turned into.” 

So the genderswitch arc was something that still lingered in Tae-chan’s mind, too. Kyūbei swallowed, not able to get that flustered blushing look on Tae’s face out of her head, from back at that time as well as from just now. 

She coughed. “You would definitely have been handsome.”

“Oh, I don’t know…” mused Tae. “Kondo-san turned into a beautiful woman, after all. Hijikata-san, who’s not too bad-looking usually, turned into a fat piggy girl. And Kagura-chan became a grizzled warrior. Why, I could have ended up quite bizarre-looking!”

“I don’t believe it,” said Kyūbei fervently. “No matter the outer form, Tae-chan’s inner light and beauty would have shone through.”

Tae _definitely_ was blushing now, adjusting her position some. Kyūbei concluded silently that Tae almost certainly was simply recalling the genderswitch arc. That was all there was to it, and Kyūbei’s heart needed to stop thumping so hard. 

In a lower voice, with a more intimate tone, Tae-chan said, “But Kyū-chan… What would you have thought of me as a man? What if I’d been stuck like that? I mean… You wouldn’t have been able to touch me, right?” 

Kyūbei blinked: that thought had actually not occurred to her before. “If it was Tae-chan, I’m sure I could have.”

Tae tilted her head. “But I wouldn’t have just _looked_ like a man. I’d have really been one.”

“What’s ‘really’ isn’t…” Kyūbei stopped, thinking over what to say. She started over. “…Tae-chan, you’re always Tae-chan. Your soul is the same.”

Tae was looking at her silently, eyes open and thoughtful. 

Kyūbei cleared her throat “…When you looked like a middle-aged man because of the cursed kotatsu, I didn’t mind that.”

“Oh. Yes, that’s true.” She leaned against Kyūbei’s shorter head, smiling. “I’d forgotten. Even silly chapters like that have their use, I guess… That’s good, then.” She closed her eyes contentedly.

“…Tae-chan? Are you tired?”

Tae opened her eyes. “Oh. No. Not really, it’s just…” Her gaze was warm and soft; so soft that Kyūbei feared it would cut her apart. Her voice was slow, almost drowsy, as she continued. “Sometimes everything feels so simple and easy,” Tae said. “I like when it’s like that.” 

She reached out and took Kyūbei’s hand. “I like thinking there won’t be a time when I can’t hold you by the hand. No matter what happens.”

Kyūbei sat very straight and stiff. A huge blush bloomed from her chest up through her neck to her chin and cheeks and all of her face. She expected Tae to break off her touch with a cheerful smile, to get up and laugh the moment away; to reassure Kyūbei that everything was the way it always was and Tae-chan was herself as much as always. A melancholy but familiar confirmation. 

But – Tae-chan didn’t. She kept Kyūbei’s hand in hers and wasn’t moving. She smelled of persimmons and promises.

Kyūbei opened her mouth. “I- ” Then she looked away, not even at the great view but down at the rocky ground by her feet, feeling very red. Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself, freed her hand and rose. “We’d better get going. We shouldn’t get down too late,” she said roughly, putting on her backpack. As she started to lead the way down the mountain, her eyesight felt off, blurry: there were no tears, but her mind didn’t seem to work as it should right then, and its confusion spilled over to her eye. 

***

It didn’t seem that late to Tae. She followed her friend without protest, climbing down the mountainside carefully, following winding serpentine paths and taking care of steep descents since it was always riskier climbing down than up. But she did think they still had plenty of time to reach the train station before the train to Edo was due, hours of it. Kyū-chan was the one who’d been here before, and was better placed to know if the downward climb took particularly long. But her manner had been so abrupt just now that Tae suspected it was only an excuse.

Well, maybe that was for the best, though. This hilly landscape, both wild and gentle, seemed able to make Tae feel emotional and sentimental, here where only the birds and the wind could hear them. It made her feel both too soft and too open – liable of saying things that sounded right to her now but which she might not be able to deliver on, later. 

For a long time now – she wasn’t sure how long, even – she’d kept up that barrier she’d built and hadn’t stepped over it, hadn’t let anything show, except once. Hadn’t fallen for the temptation of Kyū-chan’s warm bright eye and beautiful laugh; or the way she’d wipe away her sweat when exercising, so focused and determined and with such a heroic air; or the way the insides of her wrists looked, or that fascinating area in profile, between her neck, her ear and the edge of her cheek… No. She’d stopped herself, and had managed not to show anything, except for when the Dekobokko cult struck and Kyūbei became a man for a while, when the sheer surprise and new intensity in her emotions had proved too much for her. But afterwards she had retreated again, still clinging to the resolution she’d made.

_I mustn’t lead Kyū-chan on._

She’d resolved to stick to what was permissible between friends, and take delight in their closeness, in all the things you _could_ do as friends, without any disapproval from others. Only show and do and say what she would be able to back up.

_I mustn’t lead Kyū-chan on._

Not fall for the atmosphere, not be led astray by a change in the scenery, or the relief of reunion, or a timely rescue.

_I must never hurt her that much again._

She made her living flattering men out to have a drink with a pretty girl, who told them all they wanted to hear and made it look like she wanted nothing as much as their company. But that was work. Men who believed in those lies were utter fools, and it was a pity they existed and made trouble for others, but at least it was only due to lies said within the walls of the hostess bar – pretty and commonly accepted lies. She didn’t mind that, saw no shame in it. It was a different thing altogether to give into fleeting feelings and make them seem more than they were to someone important to her. That would lead to Consequences.

Firstly, there was simply what people in general would say. That was the least of them, but it still wasn’t nothing. Kyūbei was not quite a woman or a man, but Tae knew that strangers might simply assume she was female, and many wouldn’t be able to accept the two of them being together for that reason. Were she sure of the strength of her own feelings, Tae thought she wouldn’t care too much about that kind of disapproval. But was she? 

Secondly, there was the Shimura family dōjō to consider. They had only just about started to get it going again, with little to show for it yet. She wanted it to be restored to its old state and better, and for there to be a new heir one day. True, she was a girl and Shin-chan was a boy, but she _was_ the oldest and shared the responsibility for the dōjō’s future. And besides, she doubted the wisdom in putting all her hopes in Shin-chan’s ability to land a good catch and keep it. If nothing else, it wasn’t smart to put all your eggs in one basket. Look at how that had turned out for the Yagyū clan.

Which led directly to the third and most troublesome issue at hand.

She jumped down from a rock shelf, stumbled a little on the not-that-even ground, and let out a huge sigh as she went over to pick up her backpack again, having thrown it ahead of her for the sake of balance.

“Are you feeling tired, Tae-chan?” asked Kyūbei, looking back at her. “I can carry your pack for you! Or if you want to rest a little…”

Tae shook her head. “It’s not heavy, I’m not tired. I was just thinking of something.” She sighed again and walked up to her friend, standing beside her to look at the valley below. 

“It might not be a bad idea to take the time to rest,” said Kyūbei, frowning as she pointed at the ground right ahead. “There’s been a rockslide since I was here last. The ground looks unsteady still. We might need to back up a bit and find another way down. But I’m not sure where…” She sat down on her pack, taking out her water bottle thoughtfully. Tae followed her lead. She was out of water, but Kyūbei gave her the last of hers.

She had noticed but chose not to comment on Kyū-chan no longer insisting that they should hurry. Well. It didn’t matter, anyway. She smiled a little bleakly, twiddling her fingers.

Kyūbei looked concerned. “What were you thinking of, Tae? Don’t worry, we’ll get down soon enough, safely.”

Tae bit her lip. “It’s just that… I was thinking of heirs. Like how you’re the only heir of the Yagyū family’s main branch. Heirs, that’s such a troublesome thing, isn’t it?” She looked up at the drifting clouds and drew a hand through her hair. Her ponytail was starting to come loose, so she undid it.

“They certainly are,” said Kyūbei, but in an uncertain tone, clearly wondering what brought this on. “If only I’d had siblings… But that’s just how it is. At least Grandpa has made it clear he’s most concerned that I’m happy. They’re not going to marry me away to someone I can’t stand.”

“But he’s not going to live forever. Oh, I know your father’s no ogre either, it’s just that…” Tae kicked at the ground before her, sending moss and pebbles spraying. “It’s something that makes things harder, doesn’t it?”

“Yes,” said Kyū-chan quietly. “It does. I do think, sometimes, they’d be fine with an adopted heir, but…”

“In elite families, adopted heirs are either useful spares, or an emergency solution after you’ve tried everything else. At least that’s been my impression,” said Tae. She gathered up her hair in one hand and tied it into a new ponytail. 

Kyūbei shrugged, looking down at her hands with an unhappy expression. “Maybe."

“Yes…” Tae sighed again. Almost more to herself, she added, “And part of that everything else that should be tried first is certainly marrying someone of the opposite sex. That’s the expected thing.”

“Why are you saying this now?” asked Kyūbei, sounding troubled. “Are you trying to help ease me into being fine around men again? To be able to touch them? To go to m-marriage meetings?”

“No, it’s not that! You shouldn’t force yourself like that! It’s more that…” Oh no, the blush was coming back. She got to her feet and looked away, crossing her arms over her chest. Her words tumbled out without deliberation. “For a good while now, I’ve been holding back temptation, telling myself I mustn’t act on impulse, that if I act rashly I might just hurt you in the end…”

“Temptations…?” Kyūbei’s cheeks grew pinker. “What kind of temptations?” With widening eye, she got to her feet. “If there is a man who’s caught your heart-- If it’s someone who’s worthy of you--” her voice grew a little shrill, but then she closed her eye and shook her head swiftly before going on, breathlessly, “--no, even if he isn’t, really, but as long as he can make you happy, then I--! Then I will do my best to ensure that happiness!” She almost looked like she’d cry.

“RAUUUGH!” Tae leapt to her feet, raging at the sky: her yell echoed against the hills. “No! This can’t be possible! No-one can be this dense! Even most guys would get it!” Temple throbbing, she released her frustration by smashing a nearby rock into pieces.

“Ouch,” she muttered, blowing on her hand. “Dammit!” 

“But- but-” stammered Kyūbei, all bewildered. “But what do you-- what is it--”

“It’s this I mean, idiot!” Tae grabbed Kyū-chan’s hands and hauled her to her feet, then threw her arms around her and kissed her square on the mouth. 

She broke it off, looking at Kyūbei challengingly, a heat rising up in her face. Kyūbei’s mouth formed a small _oh_ as she kept staring. So unbelievably cute there was no way for Tae to stop herself from embracing her again, lifting her up and spinning her around, ending with another kiss. “This!!” she exclaimed, joyously, madly.

Then she stopped, let Kyūbei down, let go of her, her smile vanishing. She breathed out and looked down. “That’s what I mean,” she said. “But I shouldn’t have done that.” She crossed her arms. “I’m not - _sure_. I wasn’t supposed to do anything till I could be sure. Entirely sure. But…” Still not looking at Kyū-chan’s face, she twiddled her fingers and muttered, “I’ve missed you this week. I never missed you this much for such a short time before. It feels like something’s different…” 

She put a hand on her chest, over her heart. “But can you trust that? That kind of change, is that to be trusted on? I didn’t want you to- I don’t want you to count on something that might not be around like it should be… But…” She took another deep breath, kneaded her forehead, breathed out. “…But!” she burst out, meeting Kyū-chan’s eye now. “But when you look at me like that, it’s no use! Then I just want to take the whole world and set it spinning all around you!!” 

Kyūbei had gone extremely red, heat rising like steam from her face. She started to walk to and fro, in a daze, mumbling to herself. “This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening… This can’t be real. I must be dreaming.” She was trembling, walking faster now. Her knuckles were white.

“Umm… Kyū-chan, you’re walking a little close to the edge…”

“Tae-chan can’t just do that, all on her own, I haven’t got a man’s body anymore, I’m dreaming…”

“Didn’t you say the ground’s loose here? Kyū-chan--!”

She stepped forward half a second too late. Losing her foothold, Kyūbei had already tumbled backwards, down the mountainside. 

“Kyū-chan!!” shouted Tae, looking down at Kyūbei rolling down the steep slope, reaching out but finding nothing to grab to stop her descent; in just a couple of seconds she had vanished over the edge for a crazy terrifying few seconds.

Then a shout, “I’m fine! There’s a shelf here. I just need to climb up.”

Tae scrambled closer until she found a spot where she could see Kyūbei while not at any risk of sliding down herself. “Kyū-chan! Did you forget that the cool one-eyed characters never suffer from loss of depth perception in a manga? Remember, you’re the cool type! You’re a Comically Serious character, but in a cool way!”

“I don’t think it was my eye, Tae-chan! I was just being careless… Ah. This may take a while.”

Tae peered down. As much faith as she had in Kyūbei’s considerable physical abilities, the place she was on that narrow shelf seemed hard to climb up from, and it was a sheer drop down from there. “Don’t be silly!” she called down. “You have this fine rope in your pack up here! It’s about time we got to use it.” She looked around for something steady to tie herself to. That rock should do it. She knew she was strong enough in sheer muscle power to do it herself, but…

“That was in case you got into trouble, Tae-chan!” the idiot below called up now. “Not me! I’ll be fine, just don’t risk yourself!”

“I knew you’d say that,” said Tae. “Look, I just tied the other edge around a rock here. It’s very secure. I’m not risking anything, so be a good Kyū-chan and tie this rope around your waist so I can haul you up.”

“But… I’m sure I can climb it myself, I just need to find a foothold first, hold on…”

“Kyū-chan,” said Tae in a threatening tone, “if you won’t be sensible about this, I’ll…” She paused, the words _I’ll not kiss you again_ freezing on her tongue. It wasn’t sensible of _her_ , but she didn’t actually want to go through with that threat. “…I shall be very cross with you,” she finished with a scowl. She didn’t usually scowl at Kyūbei. 

Kyūbei looked up, her pale face so wide open, vulnerable. “Tae-chan…”

“Just _trust_ me. Okay?”

Kyūbei sighed. “Okay.” 

Tae threw down the rope, Kyūbei tied it around herself and made a signal showing she was ready. And Tae started hauling, muttering “ho-hisse, ho-hisse” to herself. It took some grunting and sweating, but soon enough Kyūbei’s high black ponytail showed up across the edge, then the rest of her. 

Tae dragged her back from the edge, then wiped her sweaty face and smacked Kyūbei on the shoulder. “I know you’re chivalrous and heroic and need to protect people, but I wasn’t even in any danger! Don’t try to risk yourself needlessly just to look cool!”

Kyūbei didn’t say anything, only hugged her tightly. 

Tae felt herself flush again. But she did hug back, just as tightly.

After a long quiet moment, Kyūbei finally said, voice a little hoarse, that they should go back a little up the mountain. She relaxed her grip, adding, “I think I know which road to go now.”

“O-okay,” said Tae, shaking somewhat, letting go entirely. “But let’s keep our ropes on until we’re on safer ground further down.”

“Yes.” Kyūbei finally smiled again, beautifully. “You’re so smart. I was just about to say so.” 

Without even thinking about it, they held hands for the next few minutes of walking, until the new path grew too narrow for that.

They didn’t talk about anything serious for the rest of the descent down the mountain, only of immediate practical matters like what path to take next, what time it was, if there were mosquitoes or bears in the forest patch ahead, and how far it was until they could get their hands on some food again. 

But after they’d left the mountain proper and were walking through that bear-infested forest, the ropes rolled up again and packed tightly into Tae’s pack, they started to cross a few other hikers who were walking toward the mountain. That reminded Tae that they would soon be surrounded by crowds again. When would they next be able to really talk? In the city it was so easy to postpone all those conversations, get swallowed up by everyday life, feeling the words too thick in your mouth so you swallowed them down, or not finding the words at all. 

So before they could reach the nearest town, she led Kyūbei into a clearing, close to the path but not right by it.

“Kyū-chan…” she said gently, “Tell me. What do you really want? And don’t say ‘whatever Tae-chan wants’ by reflex. What do _you_ want? What do you wish for? For yourself. Even if it’s selfish. Or unrealistic. I need to know that.”

“I want…” Kyūbei stopped, fell silent. She wasn’t blushing as fiercely anymore, only a light pink. She closed her eye now, breathing in; then opened them, but looking down at the grass. She went on in a low voice, “What I wish for… is to build the kind of life where I can have you right beside me. In the very centre of things.” She exhaled, shifted her feet, then took another deep breath. “A life where it’s fine for me to do that. I don’t know what form it would take, I don’t know what my family would say – but it’s what I would wish for, if I’m selfish.” Now she raised her head to look Tae in the face. “And even more selfishly--” she took Tae’s hand in hers, lacing their fingers together, “--I would also wish for you not be the wife or girlfriend of someone else.” A sudden short, dry laugh. “I would probably become a pest to such a person, anyway.”

Tae leaned closer. “Can I tell you a secret?” she whispered, a smile she couldn’t stop spreading on her face. “I’m not as opposed to your not letting men touch you as I claim to be. I don’t actually want them to.” Holding Kyū-chan’s wrist, she stroked it slowly, just a little bit upwards inside the edge of her sleeve. _I want this. I want this just for me._

The many warning bells that had rung in her head for so long lay still and cracked now, just a tiny remaining one chiming sadly, as she glanced at her watch. Right. They needed to hurry on to reach the town and catch their train in time. Reluctantly she let go, hearing that single small bell.

“Whatever happens,” she said, as the two of them started to walk again, “it’s for the two of us to decide. If anyone else tries to interfere, tries to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do… well.” Her voice took on a cold tone. “I’ll burn their house down.”

Kyūbei stared at her with wide eye full of admiration. “That’s so cool,” she whispered. “Maybe…” she added, shy but enthusiastic, “maybe we could make a show of force to the gorilla mangaka to persuade him to see things our way?”

Tae’s chest swelled with pride. What a bold, brilliant suggestion! “Yes,” she said warmly. “He’d better do that. I beat him up once, and I can do it again.”

They reached the small town and then the train station. They purchased their tickets, found the right platform, and stood there quietly very close to each other, but not touching. The train for Edo was late.

“Tae-chan…”

Kyūbei must have been tired. She dropped her head against Tae’s shoulder and mumbled, “Let’s go see a movie together back home. Just the two of us.”

“All right,” said Tae, voice dropping equally low, her mouth close to Kyūbei’s ear. “I think I would like that a lot,” she whispered, and sensed more than she saw Kyūbei shiver at her reply.

The train finally came rolling in

.

They boarded it together, the heir of the Yagyū clan and the Hostess Queen of Kabuki District, who were just two brats from the same old childhood playground. The space between them felt to Tae like a breath that hadn’t been exhaled yet, like the scent of a summer flower. Beautiful, but invisible. 

_Hold on,_ it seemed to be telling her now, a message she liked better than the old one. 

If you held on, and you let your heart speak freely, you wouldn’t break your promises. _Hold on. Don’t let go of your treasure._

She would hold on. She was good at that.


End file.
